Lie awake wondering if things could have been much different...

Yeah, I know. I've had a string of unexcused absences in the past few weeks, but I think I might be ready to come back to this. I've got a doctor's note giving me a clean bill of health. The reason for my no-showism? Basically, it came down to the fact that I had a record coming out, so I was fervently doing last-minute edits to the artwork, posting bulletins, trying to secure a date for the record release show, trying to find a new guitar player as soon as possible so he could learn all the songs for said show, etc., so finding the time and/or energy to put into writing was all but sapped during the past fortnight or so.

But now I'm refreshed. And to tell you the truth, I feel good. In the past few months, if done a lot of internalizing and self-editing. I took a self-imposed sabbatical from a very unhealthy aspect of my life that, from time to time, would consume my every thought- make me feel like time were running out to find something I've been looking for all my life. And there were too many times I, on a whim, attempted to chase down that holy grail, flinging myself full-force into the crusade. And every time, I would choose the wrong chalice. For a short time, the feeling would be immeasurable, but the rewards were always ephemeral, and it always ended in some sort of mini-catastrophe. So I took a break from the search, selling myself on the fact that the object of my quest would be revealed to me when the time was right, when we were both ready for it.

So now I'm free from my mental indentured servitude, and it's allowed me to kind of reflect on other things, to spend my time pursuing other methods of self-betterment. And here's the conclusion I have come to: I am in too many non-symbiotic relationships. I'm not speaking in terms of romantic interactions here, but just interpersonal relationships in general. I tend to give too much and take too little. I can't help it - I'm fucking nice. It makes me feel good to make others feel good. I've been that way my entire life. And while I don't ever seek it or ask for it, I enjoy reciprocation every once and a while. And I had friends (or people I once called friend) who were just oblivious to the fact that maybe, just maybe, it was okay to do nice things back. So I would continue to give and give, sometimes voluntarily, but mostly when solicited, and receive nothing in return. And it's not like I hunt down approval or recognition from others, at least I don't think I do. It's just that, fuck, do something nice for me once in a while. Or at the very least, say thank you, just acknowledge the deed, that's all - think of someone other than yourself.
For too long, I just sat and took it, storing frustration like a rechargeable battery, hoping that those people might change their ways. It never happened. So I made a decision to cut those people out of my life. And I've become a much happier person because of it.

The saddest thing is when you suddenly realize that a relationship is one sided. In most instances, I knew which way the street went, but I would still keep driving past all the spots where I could turn around and change my direction, in hopes that an oncoming lane would at some point accompany the one I was traveling in. But when it happens instantly, you're just left standing there looking at your map, and then back up at the street sign. Map. Sign. Map. Fuck. Where the fuck did this come from? And this just very recently happened to me, making me question, possibly regret, all the efforts I've poured into this relationship over the past two-and-a-half years.

I did a lot of selfless things for the other. I won't list them because to do so would certainly reveal their identity, and it's not something I want to do in an open air forum. What I will say is that I spent a lot of time, sweat, and effort on this relationship. True, many of the things I did solely because I wanted to help them out. But I also did a lot of things I was asked to do, asked to help out with, asked to take care of for them altogether. And I did it all, just because I wanted to make things better for them. Because I truly honestly cared.

But now, I could use some help. In fact, I've asked for it. A few times. And I've been blown off. And I'm hesitant to pull the "hey, remember all the shit I've done for you?" card, because it's not in my nature. I do nice things for the sake of doing nice things. Not because I want something in return. But, you see that I could use some help, fucking throw me a bone. It seems the true nature of our relationship has been revealed. Upon discussion with mutual acquaintances and friends, it seems that this a running thing with you. Others have also given themselves to you, too, and the results produced were similar to mine. You know what? Fine, don't fucking help me out. I can do it on my own. Granted, it would be easier if you could throw me an assist, but I'll fucking drive the basket on my own. But don't call me when you need something. I'm all set with it. From now on, do it without me. I can live with the fact that you don't have the mental foresight to see that I could use a hand. That happens. But you really hurt my feelings. And for now, I think I'm all set.

Although that sounded like an angry rant, it was definitely more of a therapeutic doctrine, a self-affirmation that I can return to and re-read and feel satisfied that I am finally starting the excise these demons that have possessed me for so long. After 10 years of being an adult, I'm finally starting to feel grown up. And ready.