Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pantsuit

I lol'd. But it really was a helluva speech.

All I Wanna Do Is Drink Beer For Breakfast

A few months ago, I submitted out electronic press kit to a contest Harpoon Brewery was sponsoring. It's called the "UFO Unfiltered Band Search," and it's basically a competition to fine the top unsigned band in the northeast that best exemplifies the Harpoon brand. The initial reason I submitted for it was because every band who signed up, provided that all members were over the age of 21, received a free case of UFO Hefeweizen, which I happen to be a huge, huge fan of. It cost $10 to submit, and a case of UFO costs, oh $22.99, so I determined that it was a pretty good deal regardless of the outcome.

But that was months ago. In fact, I had completely forgotten about it until last Thursday. That's when I received an e-mail in my inbox from Sonicbids saying that my submission status for this event had been updated. So I logged in and checked our status. Lo and behold, we had been selected as a finalist for the competition! So that was pretty exciting. I browsed my way over to the competition website to see what the grand prizes were: a slot playing at the Harpoon's Summer Session 2009, a day in a recording studio, a one year feature on the UFO site, and a free mp3 download hosted on the Harpoon site. Pretty cool stuff.

Then, I scrolled down to read the paragraph below the grand prizes. It read as follows:

Each of the 10 finalists will be featured for one month on www.UFOHefeweizen.com as a UFO “Band of the Month” and will receive a UFO gift package, and a one-year supply of UFO Hefeweizen.

Wait, what? Yep. We done won ourselves a year's worth of free beer. For someone who loves beer as much as I do, that's like a fat kid winning free cheeseburgers for a year. I am stoked x100!

Voting opened yesterday at noon and runs through September 12th. Go to www.harpoon.com and click on the big yellow button halfway down the page on the right. 

I'm a Maine-iac!

We're on the road this weekend.

We played in Plaistow, NH last night with a bunch of bands from Rhode Island. After the show we and about 12 other people stormed the local Taco Bell for fourthmeal, which the folks behind the counter didn't seem too happy about. I got what is more than likely the greatest fast food meal available: two Cheesy Gordita Crunches, sub rice instead of meat. HEAVENLY...

After that we drove to Old Orchard Beach for sweet hangs and copious Miller Lites. 

We're playing in Portland today, which has quickly become our home-away-from-home. The kids up here are absolutely stellar, and we've never been disappointed. Plus, Maine is gorgeous in the summer. I love Rhode Island and all, but I certainly don't mind spending my weekends up here.

For The First Time In A Long Time...

I can say that I want to try... to get back in to shape.

YESTERDAY'S RUNNING RECORD: Even If It Kills Me

I ran 5 miles yesterday. I haven't had the motivation to run in a few weeks. But I hate feeling indolent. I did 1.5 miles up the bike path, then a mile in to Colt State Park. Then back. It felt really good. My quadriceps are killing me today. But it's a good hurt. I eat well 95% of the time, but I've never had that whole "desire to get in to shape" or "motivation to exercise" thing going for me. But it feels good. I'm going to try to keep it up even though I almost always fall back on the excuse "I don't have enough time." Malarkey. I ran for 45 minutes and still had time to do everything I wanted to last night.

In fact, after I got finished, I went back out to my "front yard" and messed around with Jen's camera for a while. I'm trying to learn all about shutter speeds and apertures and exposure times... It's kind of a process, but it's something I'd like to improve upon. We'll see how it goes - one picture at a time.

full photostream on my FLICKR

You Said This Time Would Be The Last...

THEREFORE I AM SIGNS TO EQUAL VISION RECORDS!

I'd be hard pressed to find a band who has worked harder over the past few years than the guys in Therefore I Am. These guys have spent innumerable amounts of their own time and money to keep bringing music to their fans throughout the country, and I can't think of anyone who deserves to be signed more than these guys do. Their live show is absolutely electrifying, their songs are incredibly crafted, and they are super nice guys to boot.

We first met them while we were in the studio with Mike Poorman last September recording our EP. They had just finished tracking the instruments for Escape, and had come in to hear some of the rough mixes Mike had done before they began vocal tracking. We all instantly formed a bond with them, and now a year and several shows later, they are some of our closest friends.

Congrats guys, you've more than earned it.

Better Be Prepared...

I start school in two weeks. Well, two weeks and a day. I can't say I'm nervous or excited... it's a feeling I can't really find an appropriate adjective for. I've thought about going back for years now, but I've always found an excuse to put it off. But now here I am, two weeks away, and I kind of feel the way I did before I took the stage at Warped Tour or Lupo's for the first time - a sorted mix of excitement, confidence, and happiness with a touch of unwarranted insecurity.

Let's chalk it up to nerves.

I bought a MacBook this weekend. I love it. At the same time, I bought Jen an iPod touch. SUPER JEALZ. It makes my iPod look lame. I'll deal.

Next up is the purchasing of the books. NOT looking forward to it. Nor is my wallet.

The new Valencia record is streaming on their MySpace. I'm on my second listen this morning. There shall be several more. It's been a long time since I've been excited about a new record. (Probably since Chase This Light last fall.) Music has sucked so bad lately. It feels good to be psyched about something new.

How To Start Your Own Clothing Company

Yes, I haven't written in a while. Since December, in fact. I am aware of this. Most people stopped checking in months ago. I respect that. But I'm going to try to start writing in this fairly often, so add me/re-add me to your Google Reader and roll with the punches.

So a few weeks ago, my band was selected to play the July 23rd stop on Warped Tour, which despite a small monsoon and tornado warnings, was a blast. As several people are aware, I am very critical of the music industry, especially as it stands right now. Talent is severely watered down, and most of the "it" scene bands sound exactly the fucking same. (I'm looking at you, Alltimemetrodangerousmaineforeverthesickestsummerstationiswhatweaimfor.) Warped did nothing to to prove me wrong. It was, for the most part, an amalgamation of shitty sugar-pop punk bands and cookie-cutter screametal bands. Sure, there were several standouts - mainly the three bands in total that I actually wanted to see (Anberlin/SOTY/FYS), but for the most part, I could have stayed home watching a Spongebob marathon, and I would have been more entertained.

One thing did catch my attention while I was there, though. Not only does every band share the exact same formula, but so does every clothing company. Apparently, if you want to start your own clothing line, all you have to do is follow there simple steps:

1. Pirate a copy of Photoshop.
2. Download a bunch of free brush sets from the intarwebs.
   
3. Create designs that consist of a) a brush of an object (anchors, birds, and guns are all can't fail designs) and a splatter brush behind it (paint or blood - either works), or b) simple block type (must be left-aligned and font must be sans-serif).
   
4. Colors that can be used: black, white, raspberry blue, hot pink, anything fluorescent. These are the only colors to be used. (Note: you can also use metallic gold or silver ink)
   
5. Send your shitty design to a t-shirt/merch company for mass production.
6. PROFIT!

Yes, kids is is that easy! You too can become the DO WANT t-shirt company of the bustling "scene" scene!

That being said, I do much of the design for my band. I design all of our t-shirts, stickers, etc., but I would never call myself a designer. I'm just relatively proficient at Photoshop and Illustrator, and I have a semblance of artistic aptitude. But that doesn't make me a fucking fashion designer, and in no way does it license me to start my own clothing line. Yeah, I sometimes use brushes that I've found on the world wide nets and incorporate them in to my designs. But I don't call it my own original artwork, and I certainly don't use it as the only design on the fucking article of clothing. But I know some people who do:

Whilst walking by the tent of a certain merch company at Warped Tour, I noticed a t-shirt that had an anchor on it. And nothing else. Just the anchor. I thought "Man, that anchor looks familiar!" Know why? Because I used it in a sticker design I was messing around with:

But it was the only fucking thing on the t-shirt. That's it. Just a fucking free brush. No effort or thought or skill or anything. And it was being passed off as "fashion design"? Fucking please.

THE SHIRT IN QUESTION (Six Barrel Hooliguns):

See? The same exact brush. Ok, fine, so someone who calls themselves a fashion designer happened to find the same set of brushes as I did and used on one a t-shirt. Fucking lame? Yes. Coincidence? Perhaps. Only, I found two other clothing companies with the same exact anchor design (with nothing else on the shirt besides the anchor in question):

SHIRT IN QUESTION #2 (Heroine Clothing)
SHIRT IN QUESTION #3 (found on a website, "designer" unknown)

LAME. So not only is the music scene chock full of watered-down no-talent assclowns, but so is the fashion scene that goes right along with it. Nice.

Walk Hard

So Tim called me on Tuesday and asked if I wanted to go see a screening of the new Judd Apatow movie, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. I guess they were giving away passes at the mall, he grabbed a handful and invited a bunch of us to go.

First of all, I was a bit hesitant to venture in to the Providence Place Mall during the height of the Christmas shopping season. There's something about navigating the stormy sea of shoppers, bustling here and there in their frenzies without regard for any other fellow human that is a bit off-putting to me, but I concluded that I'd rather deal with that than pay the $10.50 (!) to see a movie I had planned on seeing anyway. So we met at the Food Court, got our tickets, and ventured in to the heart of the cinema to find the theater where the movie was being shown.

As we meandered the corridors on the Providence Place 16, we noticed a throng of people standing in line, the waiting area demarcated with purple velvet ropes. "What the fuck is this shit?" I announced eloquently as we fell in to the back of the queue. Apparently, since this was an advanced screening, there were no cameras or cell phones allowed in the theater. But that was okay - I really didn't mind turning my Sidekick off for the duration of the film (even though my compulsion to obsessively check the time would be severely stifled for the two hours I was sitting in the theater, I told myself I could make it through and went ahead and powered her down). But no, cell phones were not even allowed in the theater. Instead, you had to place your devices inside a brown paper lunch bag, which we initially thought might be bags of goodies they were handing out (sooo bummed that wasn't the case). Then they gave you a little raffle ticket which you would use to reclaim your belongings upon the conclusion of the film. Buhhh, fine.

The movie started a little late, but that was okay because there were no previews (! again). All in all, it was a really funny flick. John C. Reilly played his character extremely well - very convincing as the ridiculous bard Dewey Cox. There were also tons of cameos: Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Jack White, Jason Schwartzmann, Justin Long, Ghostface Killah, the guy who plays Darryl in The Office, Lyle Lovett, Jonah Hill, etc. A prevalent theme throughout the movie was the rampant nudity (hey, dude was a rock star, right?). And not just boobies, either. Disturbingly enough, there were three instances of full frontal male nudity. That's right. I saw full-on peen. Thrice. The frat boys sitting in the row in front of us were desperately trying to shield their eyes from the on-screen genitals, although I'm unsure as to why. It's my understanding that 85% of fraternity hazing rituals not involving beer somehow include the showing and placing of testicles upon another. Hmm. Oh well.

The best part of the movie, though, the absolute highlight at least for me, was this:


No, not John C. Reilly's inexplicably shorn belly - Jenna Fischer. On several occasions, Tim had to remind me to settle down. (I'm a huge Jenna Fischer fan. Like huge. Like I love her. Not in the creepy stalker way [although some think that my attraction to her borders on it] but in the "she is so funny and cute and if she asked me to marry her I would in a heartbeat" kinda way. Just sayin'.)

All in all, I give the movie a B. It was good overall, and the comedy was relatively high. Some aspects were completely ridiculous, even for a Judd Apatow flick, and a bit over the top. I mean I didn't really need to see dudemeat. But it's definitely worth a watch. At least once.

Redux.

Sweet christ on a bike. Not this shit again.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3153171

Because I'm such a fan of lists, I present my "Top 12 Albums of 2007"

Reposted from my MySpace blog, as requested by Jessica

And so we draw to the close of another year. You know what that means - furtively trying to complete Christmas shopping lists, formulating an array of New Year's resolutions that will never, ever stick, and countless "Best Of 2007" lists. Well, I haven't even thought about attempting the first two yet (well, not before I wrote them, anyway, and then thought "Oh shit, what am I buying people for Christmas? And what exactly are my New Year's resolutions? Fuck, these are things I should think about getting on." [Addendum: People are getting the same thing I give out every Christmas - books and/or booze. Christmas list complete.]) The "Best Of..." list, however, is something I have been thinking about for a few weeks now. Those of you who read me regularly know that I'm a huge advocate of Top 5/10/20 lists (I'm a big fan of bulleting items, what can I say?) and therefore should have expected this.

So, I present to you my top 12 records of 2007. This was a good musical year for me. Many of my favorite artists put records out, so the list is populated with said favorites. (Yes, it may be a little sentimental and biased, but I've thought about it and the accolades are deserved.) Why a Top 12 instead of 5 or 10? I don't know. I was feeling a little left of center. I'm sure you'll manage through it somehow.



12. Thrice - The Alchemy Index Vol. 1 + 2: Fire and Water. This album was heavily anticipated by yours truly. There was so much hype leading up to it that I could barely contain my excitement. I followed the studio updates religiously and, upon the day of its' release I used my lunch break to go and buy it. I gave it a few listens that day and my immediate impression was "ummm...okay..." It wasn't exactly what I expected, and I was a bit iffy on the quality of production. It was definitely different than anything Thrice had given me before, and admittedly, I felt a slight tinge of disappointment. As time wore on, though, the record started to grow on me, and one of my favorite songs of the year, "Open Water," was revealed to me. I think once volumes 3 + 4 are released, though, the whole project will be tied together for me, and it'll rank a little higher on my iTunes "Most Often Played" list. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Open Water"


11. Saves The Day - Under The Boards. Seeing as how this band has let me down once before (see: In Reverie), I was admittedly hesitant to be super-excited about this record. Still, I purchased it the day it came out and greedily stuffed it into the CD player in my car. Within the first two songs, I breathed a sigh of relief. The first five or six songs are absolutely wonderful ("Get Fucked Up" and "Can't Stay The Same" standing out, however, the mediocrity of some of the later tracks cause me to rank it lower than I initially would have. Still, it hasn't fallen into the "Okay, I'm All Set With This Record" pile yet, and I don't anticipate it doing so anytime soon. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Can't Stay The Same"


10. New Found Glory - From The Screen To Your Stereo II. So technically, it's not a real release - it's a record of covers. But it's absolutely amazing. It's great to get a brand new record by one of your favorite bands and already know most of the lyrics to the tunes. Instant sing-alongability! There are killer versions of tunes by Goo Goo Dolls ("Iris"), Madonna ("Crazy For You"), and even Go West's "The King Of Wishful Thinking." Song To Download Before Purchase: "The King Of Wishful Thinking"


9. The Dear Hunter - Act II: The Meaning of & Regarding All Things Ms. Leading. I heard the demos for this last summer while I was on tour, and I was immediately taken by the awesomeness of the Dear Hunter. It was definitely high up on my list of anticipated records, and it pretty much lived up to the hype I gave it in my mind. It seamlessly meshes all sorts of different styles of music into one cohesive piece. Because it is a concept record, though, it really only makes sense when listened to all the way through, which cannot always be done. There are many songs that could stand alone as singles, however, it works better when it's consumed in a single sitting. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Red Hands"


8. Dustin Kensrue - Please Come Home. This solo offering from the Thrice front man really struck a chord with me. It's traditional country-laced songs stand apart from anything Kensrue ever wrote for his post-hardcore band, summoning memories of Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard. The simplicity of the songs make it very singable in that my-wife-just-shot-my-dog kind of way, but I think that's what makes this album a winner. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Pistol"


7. Cartel - Cartel. Ah, the nefarious band-in-a-bubble. The controversy surrounding the production of this record was plastered across the pages of the interwebs earlier this summer, fueled by the overreaching opinions of message board users and incessant press regarding their stint in the Bubble. The record came out in the midst of that shitstorm, and then quickly settled into a quiet but strong existence in the hearts of Cartel fans. Including me. I actually reviewed the record (and commented on the nonsense surrounding the record) back in August if you care to hear any more opinions I have on it. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Tonight"


6. Dashboard Confessional - The Shade Of Poison Trees. In stark comparison, the anticipation for the release of Chris Carraba's latest album was practically nonexistent. The release of the record was announced on Vagrant's website only six weeks before it scheduled to drop. Admittedly, this was another band that had disappointed me, although much more recently than STD, so my wounds from the unremarkable Dusk And Summer were still somewhat fresh. But everything turned out just fine. Eschewing the over-the-top production and lavish instrumentation if their previous record, this is a simple and raw offering that hearkened back to The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most and even The Swiss Army Romance at times. It's biting and witty and very, very listenable. Here is my official take on it. Song To Download Before Purchase: "These Bones"


5. Anberlin - Cities. Completely underrated until they made this record, Anberlin roared out of the gates with Cities, their third release, to solidify their place amongst the elite groups in the scene. From the driving opening chords of "Godspeed" to the epic, chill-inducing outro, "Fin", every second of this record in incredible. The record plays like a play or a movie: ups, downs, conflict, denoument, resolution - it has it all. It's damn near perfect. Plus, the bonus DVD with the studio footage on it is a great glimpse into the making of a near-masterpiece. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Dismantle. Repair."


4. Fall Out Boy - Infinity On High. I don't care. I fucking love Fall Out Boy and I fucking love this record. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Hum Hallelujah"


3. Four Year Strong - Rise Or Die Trying. Start the takeover! Okay, admittedly, I loved this record from the moment I first heard it. It isn't ground breaking. Hell, some of my friends have told me it's practically unlistenable. And I really thought it would be a novelty CD for me - one that I'd hear and be like "Oh yeah, that's pretty good," and then slowly stop giving it spins because it's staying power was not strong. Well all that is false. Malarkey. Tomfoolery. This record is incredible. It takes the best parts of the pop-punk and hardcore I used to love so very much (and still do, really) and throws them all together and makes me dance like an asshole around my room, playing air-metalcore guitar in front of my mirror. Plus, they all have amazing beards. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Heroes Get Remembered, Legends Never Die"


2. Jimmy Eat World - Chase This Light. No, this record isn't Clarity. It isn't even Bleed American. But it is a wonderful record from one of the most influential bands of our day. It contains all of the elements that made JEW legends - simple yet beautiful guitar work, amazing lyrical content, spacy guitar leads. It makes you want to laugh. It makes you want to cry. Hell, there are even parts that make your insides tingle like they haven't since the first time you heard "can you still feel the butterflies?" From front to back, the soaring chorus of "Big Casino" to the lamenting drone of "Gotta Be Somebody's Blues" to the heartwrenching verses of the closer, "Dizzy," Chase This Light is, front to back, just the latest in a long line of perfection that Jimmy Eat World continues to put out. Song To Download Before Purchase: "Big Casino"


1. Motion City Soundtrack - Even If It Kills Me. Seriously, are you surprised? From the moment I heard the first five songs back in May, I knew that this would become my favorite record of the year. I played Commit This To Memory so much that I wore the CD out and had to buy another one. Luckily, thanks to my handsome iPod, this will not be the case with EIIKM. Oh, I've been listing to it just as frequently, though, so no worries. The music remains spectacular. The lyrics remain scarily realistic and poignant. The songs flow in a perfect order, as always. It's like this band is in my head. Every word penned is so very applicable. It's simply an incredible, amazing record. And that's why it's my number one record of 2007. Song To Download Before Purchase: Don't. Just go buy the whole thing. But if I had to pick just one: "It Had To Be You"

Honorable Mentions: Sherwood - A Different Light, Paramore - Riot!, The Receiving End Of Sirens - The Earth Sings Mi Fa Mi

I have high hopes for you.

I could get used to waking up to this every so often.
--johnberard

Lie awake wondering if things could have been much different...

Yeah, I know. I've had a string of unexcused absences in the past few weeks, but I think I might be ready to come back to this. I've got a doctor's note giving me a clean bill of health. The reason for my no-showism? Basically, it came down to the fact that I had a record coming out, so I was fervently doing last-minute edits to the artwork, posting bulletins, trying to secure a date for the record release show, trying to find a new guitar player as soon as possible so he could learn all the songs for said show, etc., so finding the time and/or energy to put into writing was all but sapped during the past fortnight or so.

But now I'm refreshed. And to tell you the truth, I feel good. In the past few months, if done a lot of internalizing and self-editing. I took a self-imposed sabbatical from a very unhealthy aspect of my life that, from time to time, would consume my every thought- make me feel like time were running out to find something I've been looking for all my life. And there were too many times I, on a whim, attempted to chase down that holy grail, flinging myself full-force into the crusade. And every time, I would choose the wrong chalice. For a short time, the feeling would be immeasurable, but the rewards were always ephemeral, and it always ended in some sort of mini-catastrophe. So I took a break from the search, selling myself on the fact that the object of my quest would be revealed to me when the time was right, when we were both ready for it.

So now I'm free from my mental indentured servitude, and it's allowed me to kind of reflect on other things, to spend my time pursuing other methods of self-betterment. And here's the conclusion I have come to: I am in too many non-symbiotic relationships. I'm not speaking in terms of romantic interactions here, but just interpersonal relationships in general. I tend to give too much and take too little. I can't help it - I'm fucking nice. It makes me feel good to make others feel good. I've been that way my entire life. And while I don't ever seek it or ask for it, I enjoy reciprocation every once and a while. And I had friends (or people I once called friend) who were just oblivious to the fact that maybe, just maybe, it was okay to do nice things back. So I would continue to give and give, sometimes voluntarily, but mostly when solicited, and receive nothing in return. And it's not like I hunt down approval or recognition from others, at least I don't think I do. It's just that, fuck, do something nice for me once in a while. Or at the very least, say thank you, just acknowledge the deed, that's all - think of someone other than yourself.
For too long, I just sat and took it, storing frustration like a rechargeable battery, hoping that those people might change their ways. It never happened. So I made a decision to cut those people out of my life. And I've become a much happier person because of it.

The saddest thing is when you suddenly realize that a relationship is one sided. In most instances, I knew which way the street went, but I would still keep driving past all the spots where I could turn around and change my direction, in hopes that an oncoming lane would at some point accompany the one I was traveling in. But when it happens instantly, you're just left standing there looking at your map, and then back up at the street sign. Map. Sign. Map. Fuck. Where the fuck did this come from? And this just very recently happened to me, making me question, possibly regret, all the efforts I've poured into this relationship over the past two-and-a-half years.

I did a lot of selfless things for the other. I won't list them because to do so would certainly reveal their identity, and it's not something I want to do in an open air forum. What I will say is that I spent a lot of time, sweat, and effort on this relationship. True, many of the things I did solely because I wanted to help them out. But I also did a lot of things I was asked to do, asked to help out with, asked to take care of for them altogether. And I did it all, just because I wanted to make things better for them. Because I truly honestly cared.

But now, I could use some help. In fact, I've asked for it. A few times. And I've been blown off. And I'm hesitant to pull the "hey, remember all the shit I've done for you?" card, because it's not in my nature. I do nice things for the sake of doing nice things. Not because I want something in return. But, you see that I could use some help, fucking throw me a bone. It seems the true nature of our relationship has been revealed. Upon discussion with mutual acquaintances and friends, it seems that this a running thing with you. Others have also given themselves to you, too, and the results produced were similar to mine. You know what? Fine, don't fucking help me out. I can do it on my own. Granted, it would be easier if you could throw me an assist, but I'll fucking drive the basket on my own. But don't call me when you need something. I'm all set with it. From now on, do it without me. I can live with the fact that you don't have the mental foresight to see that I could use a hand. That happens. But you really hurt my feelings. And for now, I think I'm all set.

Although that sounded like an angry rant, it was definitely more of a therapeutic doctrine, a self-affirmation that I can return to and re-read and feel satisfied that I am finally starting the excise these demons that have possessed me for so long. After 10 years of being an adult, I'm finally starting to feel grown up. And ready.

Man, I sure do know how to pick 'em.
--johnberard

It seemed like a good idea at the time...
--johnberard

T.W.I.B. Notes

This week has been so, so, so busy. Auditioning new guitar players. Album artwork do-overs. Open mic nights where I play the part of Statler and Waldorf to Tim's Muppet Show, except Statler and Waldorf didn't have three orange-vodka-tonics in them when the heckling occurred.

Oh and then there's this handsome titanium devil:

It's my first iPod since my old original click-wheel G4 40-gig 24 lbs. black-and-white behemoth died on tour last summer. I've filled it up with all the new goodies, as well as some old stuff I've been revisiting the past few days: Face To Face, NOFX, Finch, etc. plus all the old bootleg Alkaline Trio I stole from Dr. J. I can't remember the last time I've desk-drummed along to "Don't Call Me White."

Also, I was given a very important math lesson this past Tuesday:

y=kx

Basically, what this means is this: the grandiosity of my gesticulations while telling a story(y) is directly proportional to the amount of drinks I've consumed (k). The non-zero constant (x) is my raging French-Canadian heritage.

I'm 0-3 lifetime at Wii bowling. I'm a sore loser. I'm an even sorer winner. This is completely unacceptable.